She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
did you just send me my own nude
pray to the hookup gods
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
