Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
