Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
