Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
