guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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