Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
