I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
