home. puking in laundry basket.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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