I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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