If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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