We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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