Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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