Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
