he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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