The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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