I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
