I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
