And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
