Jerry, you need to find god
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
