i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
