my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I am midnight drunk by noon
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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