The best revenge is premature balding
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
