I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
