I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
