Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
