he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize