Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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