mondays should just be called national damage control day
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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