Who wears a wallet chain?!
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
