Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
