when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
