She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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