at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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