if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
