Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
