Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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