Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
