I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
