Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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