Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
