I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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