I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
