Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
