I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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