After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
