After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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