then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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