she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
