I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
