the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
