im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
