i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Someone came in the potted fern
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
