I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
