I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize