"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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