my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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