he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
