dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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