Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
